


Infinity

by ohhipstaplease



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Album: Made in the A.M. (One Direction), I cried writing it, Other, Post-Zayn One Direction, Song: Infinity (One Direction), i can only imagine what youll feel, i'm sorry in advance, one direction - Freeform, this will cause many many many tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28450575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohhipstaplease/pseuds/ohhipstaplease
Summary: "How many nights does it take to count the stars?"As the boys sit down and pen the final song for their album, they're asked to reflect back on the sudden departure of one of their own members.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

It was late in the night, almost sunrise. The band wouldn't know it though, adrenaline still pumping in their veins and their covered windows sheltering them from the outside world once more.

Music producer Julian Bunetta took note of this as he watched the boys settle in, attempting to make the barren hotel room home. There was sleep in their eyes, but a restlessness in their bodies. It was obvious as Harry tapped out a beat on a nearby table, and Liam started scribbling in a notebook.

There would be no sleep till the early hours of the morning, no matter how much they tried to fight it.  
Julian and his team had thwarted the four boys' attempt at settling in on purpose. They had made a makeshift sound-proof wall out of their mattresses, making sure sleep would be out of the question. The tour bus had also been parked further away, and all other rooms were off-limits. They were contained within that single, barren, mattress lined faux studio. It did not matter if they had a concert mere hours beforehand, it did not matter how tired they were, they had an album to finish. Although Julian knew it was cruel to treat them in such ways, he knew it suited them best being awake when the rest of the world was in their habitual slumber. It was when they produced their best work, it was the hour that most writers and artists tended to create after all.

And this particular night, as the four boys sat on the floor, their limbs spread out before them, entangled in each other, Julian sat before them, his spineless, almost ragged journal upon the desk. It wasn't often that this occurred, so they knew before he even spoke why they had all been gathered there. He had tried this already twice before, the boys convincing him to leave this till the album was nearly complete. To make this the final track that they produce. Of course, he had obliged, figuring that it was perhaps too soon, that the anger in Louis hadn't dissipated and the sadness in Niall hadn't waned. He knew that pressing the matter would lead to sub-par results, and that was the last thing the boys and the team wanted.

So Julian waited, he waited until the last possible moment. And even though he did, he knew the boys still weren't ready. He sighed loudly, knowing that they just didn't want to be there. That the last few months had been hell and that they had lost one of their own. But they needed to finish, they needed to show the world that they could rise from the ashes and keep going on even after everything that's happened.

"Look." Julian finally spoke, interrupting the silence that had been looming in the room, "We're going to do this a different way than we usually do, okay?"

The boys nodded, all except Louis that was. Louis crossed his arms and rolled his eyes, never having planned to contribute to this no matter how much time had passed.

Julian could sense the uneasiness among them, even with the placid smiles from Niall and Harry, "I know it's late, but there's no show tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," Liam mumbled.

"Good. Okay." Julian responded, nervously twiddling the pen in his hands. He had been thinking of ways to get the boys to write about this all these weeks, and he had come up with only one way that could actually work.

Everyone told him it was a long shot, that only Harry would go along with it, maybe Niall. But he couldn't think of any other way, "I want all of you to close your eyes."

"What?" Harry said, clearly in disbelief, which took Julian aback. Harry was supposed to be the one that went with it, wasn't he?

"I said we're doing this a different way this time, okay? Trust me." He said, putting his pen down and facing the boys directly, trying to establish some authority.

"I'm just going to pass out," Louis muttered under his breath.

"No, you're not." Julian said in a breath, "Just listen to my voice and relax."

"Harry, did you teach him this hippie bullshit?" Louis whispered.

"Shhh." Liam tried, for Julian's benefit of course.

"Alright, you're going to close your eyes-"

"They're closed." Louis retorted bitterly.

"I want you to clear your minds, just leave them completely blank."

"What the hell is this, why am I even-"

"Shut up." Liam said, roughly punching Louis in the arm, "Just go along with it already. You know we have a bloody deadline."

Louis huffed, but relented, which made Julian feel at least a little bit more at ease. So he continued, "Forget the anger for right now. Don't think about the emotions you have towards him now, I want you to think of him before all of this. Before he left."

The boys were quiet, Niall's brow furrowed a bit, he looked troubled.

Julian nervously asked, "Niall? You okay, mate?" He was starting to regret this. The boys were too quiet, he could hear his pulse in his ears, the blood rushing through his veins. There was never this stillness about them, and it unnerved the young music producer.

Niall shook his head, "I just..."

He didn't want to open his eyes, but at the same time, it was as if he was back in England. He saw Zayn in his house, the night after they found out their schedule for the year after they signed over yet another 365 days of their lives. He was the only one who stayed over, the rest of the boys needing to go see their families or their girls. Zayn, as always, just wanted to be in his white-walled house, yearning to fill it with something other than just more moving boxes. He wondered if the boys felt the same anxiety at recalling those moments with him, even though months had passed

"It's okay," Liam said, his own eyes still closed, but his hand blindly reaching to grasp Niall's shoulder. Liam could see it too. He and Zayn, the past five years as if they had passed by in an instant. The last time they spoke, the first time he noticed something wrong. He shook his head, not wanting to think so badly about his friend, but he couldn't help it. All he could see in perfect clarity was the moment that he watched him walk away. How he ran after him, how he left anyway. He felt his stomach drop, remembering the words Zayn had told him. He felt his stomach tighten and hoped that this nauseating feeling would pass.

Harry had been unusually quiet, considering he usually made a quip or two by now. All he could see was a starry sky, and a half-asleep Zayn attempting to count constellations with him. He couldn't possibly think of anything negative. No matter how many times Zayn had ignored him, no matter how many times Zayn pushed him aside, Harry knew he was hurting, that something was wrong. He couldn't blame him for that. But at the same time, the last time that he and Zayn had been close was under that starry sky two years ago. How could he possibly wonder if Zayn thought of any of them when he made his choice, how could he not fault him for being selfish? He didn't want to, but so many nights he had spent tossing and turning, watching as Zayn turned more and more into a person he didn't recognize. He didn't want to blame him, so his thoughts tried to deviate from the bad moments, they just wanted to show him the good.

Louis was a whole other story though, his anger was so strong that even his memory was tinged with red. He didn't want to relive it, he didn't want to see his face again. He had let Zayn get to him for the last time.

"I'm not doing this," Louis muttered, opening his eyes and going to get up.

Before Julian could say a word though, Harry grabbed Louis' arm, eyes still closed. He didn't say a word, but his grip upon Louis' arm said everything he could have ever needed to. They hadn't talked in months either, the distance between them too vast after everything that had happened. But Louis still relented, he sat down. Harry didn't move his hand either, he kind of just entangled his arm in Louis' to keep him grounded. Just like before, but different.  
That was the problem Julian realized as he watched the boys, all somehow touching each other, all with their eyes closed. They wanted everything to be just like before, but it couldn't. Everything was different.  
It didn't have to be, that was the thing. All they wanted from Zayn was the truth. Everything else wouldn't have mattered. He still could've left, he could've still chosen to have been a normal 22-year-old. But he could have told them.

All they ever wanted was the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

n i a l l

"Yo, Horan. C'mere a minute."

Niall looked up to see a spray-painted Zayn motioning towards him. He shrugged, turned off the television, and walked towards his friend. Not without of course first grabbing the roll of paper towels upon the table and throwing them to him.

"Thanks, mate." Zayn smiled, wiping his hands with a wad of them.

"That's nice," Niall said, standing before the once blank wall now filled with black lines and sketches. It was different from the typical colorful art Zayn tended to paint.

"Something new, you know?" Zayn replied, sitting back and studying his own work.

"Yeah, man."

Zayn sighed a bit, pulling out a box of cigarettes from his back pocket. He seemed off, that was certain. The other boys had noted it too, figuring Zayn was just in one of his moods. Niall, although knowing this, still stayed behind. He figured that what Zayn needed was some company, and maybe to stop smoking so much. Besides, it had been so long since the two had talked. Niall missed his friend, even though he was only a few steps away from him at all times. It was a weird concept really, but after being together for so long, he figured it was only natural they would want to be on their own sometimes.

"I thought you quit," Niall muttered, sitting down next to him. He recalled that at least from the last time they had spoken.

There was a cool breeze coming in from the open window, typical for an English spring. Niall stretched his arm to open it wider, just so the smoke wouldn't continually hit his face.

Zayn shrugged, lighting his cigarette, "Shit happens."

"That's my life motto." Niall quipped.

"So much for Yolo."

"Hey, now, that's the motto."

Zayn rolled his eyes, "Don't act like you know shit about Drake."

"I know enough."

"Right. Says the fan of Justin Beiber."

"We're in a boy band," Niall says, reminding Zayn that they were in no position to judge.

Zayn stayed quiet, even though Niall expected him to say what he always did. That whole, "Yeah, but we're a fucking cool boy band." But he didn't. In fact, he just seemed to resent the fact.

The mood in the room shifted, it was obvious Zayn was growing weary as Niall became tenser. Zayn couldn't help himself though, he just needed to say what was on his mind.

"Doesn't it bother you sometimes?" Zayn asked.

"What?"

"The fact that nothing changes. That it's like you're stuck?"

Niall furrowed his brow, not quite sure what Zayn meant, "Stuck?"

Zayn sat back, against the blank wall, "I don't know. It's like..." He leaned his head against the white wall, taking a long drag from his smoke and letting his exhale fill the air around them with the smell, "The world keeps turning, but we're still here. Nothing's changed. I don't want it to, or maybe I'm just scared of it changing."

Niall shrugged, sitting in nearly the same position, avoiding Zayn's eyes. He wasn't very good at this kind of conversation and it made him feel guilty, he knew Zayn had been acting rather off the past few months, he just didn't know what to say to him.

Zayn exhaled again, "It's like I'm frozen, but the world still turns. Like it's going faster than a million miles, but we're all stuck, here, in this bloody perpetual cycle. And you can't fight it, not without losing, you know?"

"It's just a couple more months." Niall tried to reason. It was obvious that Zayn was still sore about how the contract renewal had played out.

"It's always just a couple more months or a couple more days, or another album or maybe another tour. It's always something, it never changes."

And what could Niall say? Nothing. All he could do was sit next to his friend as he smoked his cigarette with his stained hands. All he could hope was that he would be okay.

But Zayn could feel Nialls apprehension, he knew that the Irishman had an aversion to overly sentimental notions. Perhaps he had overstepped his bounds. So he laughed it off, putting Niall a bit at ease, "Sorry mate, must be going stir crazy from being locked inside all day. What with the missus gone and the paps outside on my street."

Niall grinned his trademark boyish grin and nodded in relief. Zayn just missed his fiancé, that was all. He just wanted to leave the house without being photographed, not a big deal. They had been dealing with these things for so long already, it was just kind of a matter of fact to Niall.

"You want to play FIFA?" Zayn asked, knowing it would distract Niall. That hopefully it would just make him forget he had even brought anything up. He'd rather he just forget, it didn't matter anyway.

"Yeah, sounds good."

///

_I don't know if I could've said anything at that moment. I don't even know if I noticed it. When did I notice that he changed? A week before he left? A few days? What could I have said anyway? I didn't understand his pain. I didn't know what he was feeling. I'm not going to pretend I fucking did. We were just so different. I always tried to not leave anything behind that I would miss. He always longed for the things he couldn't take with him. I loved him like a brother, but I can never say I understood him. Maybe that's why he didn't tell me that he was leaving. Maybe that's why the last thing he said to me was "Horan, come on now. I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Don't be a girl about it." He couldn't tell me the truth, but maybe I wouldn't hear it._


	3. Chapter 3

l i a m 

"No fucking way," Zayn said, cautiously looking at the dark blue waves over the edge of the small boat.

Liam smirked, still a tad surprised that Zayn had even agreed to the little expedition. He figured it must have been the fact that they had been cooped up on that tour bus for so long. But there they were, taking a step forward, rekindling their friendship.

"It's not even that deep, Malik. Don't be a pussy."

"Ay now. You know damn well I don't swim. I only agreed to this because H loved it so much." Zayn replied, lighting a cigarette and remembering how happy Harry had looked when he had come back from his own fishing trip with Liam. It didn't matter that he had cut his finger so deeply he needed three stitches, all he talked about was how beautiful the waves were and how many fish he caught.

It was summer now, hot enough for them to take a dip. Zayn, weary as ever, watched as Liam stripped down and cannon-balled into the cool, crisp water.

"Come on now! What's the worst that can happen?" Liam yelled.

"I drown?"

"I'm here."

"That doesn't mean shit," Zayn replied, finishing his cigarette.

"What you don't trust me anymore?"

"Never did," Zayn replied smugly.

"Oh come on," Liam said, wading back to the side of the boat and going up the slippery stairs.

Zayn watched Liam with disinterest as he climbed back aboard and shook out his now longish hair. Liam didn't even bother putting a shirt back on, he simply laid upon the cold surface of the ship and smiled stupidly at his friend.

"Don't give me that look, Payno."

"Why not? You find it endearing."

"Fuck off," Zayn said laughingly.

And it kind of just goes on like that for a while. Both of them making the meaningless conversation they hadn't had in weeks, both just kind of relishing each other's company and the beauty of this incredibly rare type of day.

"Funny, isn't it?" Zayn pondered at one point.

"What's that?"

"That it took you a year to bring me out here."

Liam shrugged, "I know you were jealous that Haz got to come."

He shook his head, "It's not that. I just didn't think it would take this long, you know? When I told you I wanted to come I meant maybe at the end of that summer, not the end of next year."

"Hey, I don't make the schedule," Liam said, slipping on his shades.

"No, but we sure as hell have to follow it." Zayn retorted bitterly.

Liam tried to ignore Zayn's tone of voice, it wasn't anything new anyway. He had been acting that way since the previous year after he had gotten engaged. Liam would like to guess that it was just because Zayn longed for his missus, but he knew it was more than that. It wasn't just because of his girl, it was more than that. That didn't mean Liam understood though, not by a long shot. After all, he had been in love as well, he had left his family behind as well. They weren't any different, at least Liam didn't think so. Every one of them had left their lives behind to pursue their dreams, they knew that something had to give. But lately, he knew it was weighing on Zayn, especially the fact that their contracts were renewed and another concert was announced.

Liam tried to ignore Zayn's passive aggressiveness, his blatant disrespect, and his bitterness mostly because he just thought Zayn would get over it. Perhaps it wasn't the right thing to think, but he wholeheartedly believed that it was just the homesickness that brought on the change in disposition. That once he realized that he would always have a home wherever he went, he would be okay.

"It's not for much longer, mate. You know that. And we have a break coming up. Why don't you plan a trip with Perrie?"

Zayn shrugged, "It's not something some trip is going to fix."

"What is it then?"

Zayn sighed leaning back and stretching his arms above his head casually, " I just keep thinking about what it would be like if I just stayed in my bed that day. If I didn't let mum drag me out to the audition if I hadn't made it through."

"You wouldn't be here then."

"Yeah, I wouldn't."

Liam stayed silent.

"I thought it would get better."

Liam still didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. He just felt as if there was a vastness between them as if he couldn't reach over and pull Zayn towards safety.

"But it just isn't. I mean how could it? Everybody wants a say, everybody wants to judge every fucking thing you do. Everybody wants you, you know? How do you keep being your own person, how do you give yourself completely to the person you love, when millions of others have already taken claim over your life?"

"Zayn-"

"No. It's fine." Zayn said, shaking his head slowly, "I'm being bloody ridiculous, right? This was supposed to be a fun day. What were we talking about? The new songs you and Louis were writing for the album?"

Liam looked taken aback at the fact that Zayn was deferring so quickly, but he obliged him. Not because he didn't want to talk about it but because as much as Liam may have sworn he would save Zayn if he were drowning, he couldn't. Zayn was up to his neck, and Liam didn't know how to help him.

So Liam simply responded, "Yeah" and the rest of Zayn's thoughts were forgotten about.

All that remained was the two upon that boat, in the middle of the clear ocean. One unsure of how to swim, the other unsure of how to keep someone from drowning.

///

_I guess the thing was that I just didn't understand. I still don't to be completely honest. We used to be so good, you know? Yeah, sometimes we fought, and sometimes he wouldn't talk, but we always came back to each other. We always knew better than to call it quits. I know it's been hard on him, it's been hard on all of us, but especially him. He's always been a good guy, even more than Harry sometimes, and no one is a nicer guy than Haz. But everybody wanted him, everyone. Maybe that was the thing though, he became lost in that overwhelming sea. He couldn't find his way out. I guess we just didn't see it, I didn't see it. And when he saw that we couldn't help him, I guess he just couldn't keep drowning anymore. Maybe we're both at fault here, but all I know is that he's not with us anymore, and I don't know how to find my way back to him_


	4. Chapter 4

//louis//

"So this is it?" Louis asked, watching as Zayn haphazardly threw clothes into suitcases. Months had passed, years have far gone. The two stood in some random hotel room in a city too far away from a place they used to call home.

"I can't fucking do this anymore," Zayn said, his voice strained. He had been on the phone for the past two hours, screaming obscenities at management, booking the first ticket he could out of Beijing, calling his mum, and letting her know he'd be home soon.

Unlike the other boys, Louis knew that this day would come. In fact, he could calculate the exact moment the light went out in Zayn's eyes, as it was about the same time it went out in his own. They had both been going on just for the sake of the other boys for so long. Louis could feel himself running out of time as if one day he would be doing the very same as Zayn. But he knew better, and he wanted Zayn to know better.

Zayn and Louis had gotten on so well because they understood the gravity of fame, because of the five it seemed to weigh the heaviest on them. At least, that's what they had thought. The toxicity of their relationship stemmed from this belief that no one understood them. That they were so wrought with pain that could not be numbed with anything but alcohol or drugs. They weren't the type that talked, not by a long shot. They just enabled each other, they told each other it was okay to act the way they did because they had to. Because if they didn't they might not survive. But that night, that was the night that Louis realized that they had been wrong.

"You can't do this anymore? What about me? What about the rest of us?" Louis retorted.

"Did you see what they published in the tabloids!?"

"Is it a lie?" Louis asked, knowing fully well that it wasn't. He stood before Zayn with his arms crossed before his tattooed chest in a defying stance.

"They shouldn't have fucking speculated! What I do with my own fucking life is my business!" Zayn said, yelling at the wall before him, but still not turning to face Louis.

"Not when you're famous it's not!"

Zayn slammed his suitcase shut and finally spun around to look at Louis head-on, "Of all of them, I thought _you_ would understand."

"Well, I don't! You're being a twat! You can't just leave in the middle of a fucking tour, Zayn!"

"It's just a break."

"You can't wait til May!?"

"No! If I don't get home now..."

"Perrie will break up with you?" Louis asked, knowing fully well that Zayn's fiance hadn't answered the phone since the press had leaked pictures of Zayn with his hands around a girl that clearly wasn't her.

"She shouldn't have to suffer because of me."

"Drop the good boyfriend act Zayn, it doesn't suit you. If you cared about Perrie, then you should've thought of her before you ran off with that girl that wasn't your so-called fiance."

Zayn looked at him angrily, "Oh, so now it's my fault? Get off your fucking soapbox. You have no right to judge me."

"I know I'm not perfect, but you know what? I'm here. I'm staying _here_. Through all the shit that's happened, I'm still gonna stay."

"Good for you."

"And you know what?" Louis added in for good measure, "You're being a coward! A fucking coward! You're just going to run away from the world!? How stupid are you? Do you know how hard we've worked to get here?"

"I just want to be a normal 22-year-old! I want to wake up and know what time it is! In what country I'm in! I want to be able to make it through an entire day without having to medicate myself just to get by! Is that too much to ask!?" Zayn replied, snatching his suitcase off his bed and rolling it towards the door.

Louis stepped two steps to the right and blocked the door, "We both know this isn't a break. You can fool Niall and Harry, maybe even Liam, but not me. We both know that once you step out that door and get on that plane you're never fucking coming back."

"I will," Zayn mumbled, clearly lying through his teeth.

Louis hated Zayn at that moment, so much so that he didn't think it would ever pass. What Zayn felt was no different from what any of them felt. And as much as Louis wanted to feel some inkiling of compassion for his mate, he couldn't. All he saw was selfish Zayn throwing a tantrum.

"You're not coming back and we both know it."

Zayn didn't respond that time, his silence enough of an answer.

It felt as if this moment was frozen in time. He didn't know what hour it was, what day it was, just as always. The world kept spinning, but there they were, stuck in an infinitely perpetual back and forth. The same dance they had been doing for five years, but now it was nearing its end.

"I'll always be your brother." Zayn tried, grasping Louis' shoulder. He smiled weakly, trying to offer some reassurance.

Louis shrugged Zayn's heavy hand off of him, "Brothers don't leave."

Zayn pretended it didn't hurt, he took back his hand with indifference, grabbing his suitcase and pushing past Louis to open the door, "Sometimes they have to."

And he was gone.

_///_

_He left, what else is there to say? If he didn't want to be here, then fucking good riddance._


	5. Chapter 5

//harry//

Zayn didn't usually come out until well into the night. It was usually after he was a little buzzed, too much energy coursing in his veins to allow him to pass out like Louis. Harry didn't mind the company though, not at all. In fact, he liked the time he got to spend with Zayn, even if it was only was his mate was a little inebriated.

"What's that one?" Zayn asked, hand behind his head as he and Harry lay on the lush green grass.

"Orion," Harry replied.

"Pretty."

"Yeah."

Zayn stayed quiet for a few minutes, leaving Harry to wonder if he had passed out again. But soon enough he quipped, "So many stars."

"Mmmhmm," Harry said, still gazing at the beautifully lit night sky.

"How many nights do you think it would take to count all of them?"

Harry smiled, "A lot."

"Yeah? Like how many?"

Harry nodded, "Like, infinity."

Zayn smirked, "Infinity?"

"Yeah, Malik. Infinity. You could never count all of them."

"Huh. You would think scientists would have already figured it out."

"Maybe they did and they're just not telling us."

"What a scandal," Zayn said, a smile spread out onto his face for the first time that night.

Harry watched as Zayn tried counting the stars before them and tried not to chuckle. He had seen him struggle so much the past few months, he didn't want to see his smile falter anymore. If only it could be for a couple of hours every odd night, Harry wanted Zayn to feel as if he belonged there, among the stillness of the trees and the beauty of the stars. He deserved that.

As he turned to mumble something to his friend, Harry saw that Zayn had fallen into a quiet slumber. He didn't bother waking him up, just laid there beside him.

"One day I'll find out how many stars there are." Harry whispered confidently, "I'll name the last one I find after you, mate."

///

_I don't think I could remember him in any other way. I just want to think of him when he was happy, or at peace. When he was laughing, or drawing, or counting the stars. I wish I could tell him that I figured out you can never count how many stars there, at least not one by one. But every night I spend wondering if he's okay I think back to that conversation and think that maybe it's better that way. Counting how many stars there are would just make me think about how many nights we've spent apart, and how many nights we've all wished he had stayed. Infinity sounded silly then, but that's what it has been since he has left._

_I hope he found what he was looking for, and I hope he knows that he still has a place here with us. I know Louis thinks that he hates Zayn, but he doesn't, he's just angry. Just as Niall is sad, and Liam is disappointed. We're all allowed to feel, to grieve. We lost one of our own, and it's tougher than death because he decided to leave us. But I try to remember that he chose himself over everyone else, and I don't think we can fault him for that. That was probably one of the hardest choices he'd ever have to make. Zayn deserved to be happy, I hope he finally is._

_And mate? If I ever count to infinity, I'll still name the last star after you._


End file.
